Nearing the end of my pregnancy (8 weeks to go!!!), I am discovering things that you just can't learn in books. Yes, the books tell you about spider veins, they tell you about balance issues, they tell you about the growth you'll experience in the last few months and that your belly button will pop out... BUT what they DON'T tell you is the specifics... so that's what I am here to do.
Likeeeee, it'll look like someone took a very thin paint brush, dipped it in blue paint, and traced every vein on the back of your right leg. You know, to make them stand out. And boy, do they. 32 weeks in, ladies and gentlemen, and I think I've given up the heels :( and I find myself sitting more than I ever have at school. I just am not a sitter. I just don't sit. I teach. Now? I sit. Less blood flow in my legs will help diminish those veins. I hope. Because, at this point, I look like a 90 year old lady. I have to be in a bathing suit 5 weeks after I give birth. Not cool.
All those books hint to balance issues but they don't tell you that while rinsing your hair in the shower, you will tip backward and clonk against the wall. Good thing I'm not too tall or I may have gashed my head on the shower spicket and bled to death because God knows my husband don't wake up for nothin' in the mornings. My screams would have been muted by his many annoying alarms: turkeys gobbling, Ozzy screaming "ALL ABOARD"...
The books don't tell you that you'll tip over slowly and try to play it off during last period only to be laughed at by your class.
Folks, I'm not front heavy. Those of you who know me know that. Now, IIIIIII'm front heavy, people. This thing is 14 pounds of weight ONLY in my belly. So, while walking I might sway a bit ... and people notice. They really do.
They don't tell you that maternity clothes DON'T FIT. I mean, I have a hard time with regular clothes: long legs, small boobs, and a waist that doesn't match the leg. You buy a size 5 or 7 and you get 32" inseam. I'm a 33. You buy "longs" and you get 34 or 35" inseam. It's annoying.
But I would take that ANY DAY over the crud I've dealt with during the pregnancy. "Longs" are still too short (good luck, Mal), you can't predict how big you'll be or how fast you'll grow so you're constantly buying clothes. Stores don't sell maternity clothes, and if they do they have a shirt and a pair of pants. That's it. It's crap. Then, if you're anything like me and hate trying things on in the store, you buy it and then have to take it back. On more than one occasion I have taken things back and the return sales lady behind the counter looks at me, then looks at the size small I'm returning and then looks at my belly. I then feel I need to justify myself, I'm really growing here (point to belly) but not here (point to boobs). The lady nods understandingly and gives me my money back.
Ordering things online is a pain. in. the. ass. You get the clothes that are cute online and they are ugly in person, or the pants don't fit right because there is room for "growth" but ok, people, I'm not going to grow a penis so explain the bunchiness of material there! And then you have to send it all back. I feel like I have bought 2934798237 things when really I have very little actual maternity clothes. I still try to budge myself into my regular clothes.
My child has wedged itself underneath my right ribs. And it moves underneath the ribs. And it hurts. I think we have a long one in here, folks. Mark commented the other day that my stomach looks like a watermelon, not a basketball. It's not round! Thank you, honey. I know this. Believe me, I am pretty sure I know the odd shape my abdomen has taken in the last eight months. I love the question that I get often, when are you due? I get this question often. It's not a question asked in kind curiosity, it's a question with an underlying meaning, you look like you're going to pop tomorrow. Nope. I have two full months left, thanks! :) Good times.
Other bodily changes aside from the protruding abdomen? Amen to no stretch marks... yet, but (and Mark just loves this) my belly button is slowly starting to come out of the innie I was blessed with when I was born. I thought since my belly button is a deep innie, that I wouldn't have to worry about the belly button popping out. But if I still have more to grow, AND it's becoming more watermelon/egg shaped rather than round, I feel as though it's bound to come on out. I am pissed. Mark laughs. He delights in my mortification.
Also, I think I've started to waddle.
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